A note to my father with reflections on our relationship and emotional safety
Date: 2025-08-31
Transcript
Hey, Abu. I wanted to send a voice note, and I think this is just a different way of trying... a different way of communicating. And I don't know how it's gonna work, but I thought I could try it. Uh... so... yeah. Hmm. I think this is going to be just a share of your impact on my life. And my intention with this is to be honest and open without any expectation of receiving anything from you. So this is just a... yeah. Uh, whenever it feels appropriate, you can listen to this, um, if you want. Um, not expecting any kind of response either. But it's mainly to get, yeah, some of my emotions off of my chest. So, I think, you know, like, based on my book and a lot of the work I do, that our relationship, my relationship with you has been the biggest, uh, teacher of my life, um, in many ways. It's been... yeah, a big, big, big, big teacher. And... uh, w- when I think back to how I am, why I am the way I am, you know, me, um, yeah, uh, the life I've lived with all the crazy turns and different things, a lot of it has come from my, um, desire to want to connect deeper with you. And I think when I was in San Francisco, right before I left for Canada with Jazzy, I said, um, at one point about just wanting to be loved by you. Um, and I think really underneath the love, I don't know if I had the right words for it before, but it was just being able to acknowledged, um, and seen by you who's my father, um, and I think all boys wanna be approved by their dad. They wanna- they want validation because this is the man that they grew up modeling. And yeah, some of my f- oldest memories are with you when I was on... you'd give me in that really, really old apartment where we lived really small. Um, I forget. Way before Shekhar Tech? I don't know. Uh, where we... you give me a ride on your back on the floor and Shama would be with Amu on the couch. Um, or then... or when you'd take us on a rickshaw ride, Shama, me and you, and then sometimes your friend Catherine from America would come and join. Or that one time I was outside with you and I was... I said something about I want some money or I never thought you'd give me money and then you gave me 50 or 100 Taka just like that. And I was like, "Wow." I felt so, um, happy. Uh, yeah. And also just, yeah, seeing you do your magic and poetry, like these are some of my, like, biggest, most favorite moments of our time together. And then I think when we came to America, things got a little scary with the immigration stuff and you needed to protect... So this is all just my own thoughts so it might not even land for you so... but I think it to share some of these stories. I think the fear became a big thing and the- the fear became so big that it kind of took over all aspects of all of our lives. And I understand why you did what you did because you were the provider, the protector. Uh, so you needed to make sure that everyone was safe and-... healthy and safe. But there's, like, the physical safety and then there is also the emotional safety. And I don't think any of us had the emotional safety really and it sounds like even now, uh, people, eh, like you, Ammu, don't have that emotional safety. And emotional safety is a- a big, big thing. Physical safety is a biological thing, um, but the emotional safety is a psychological thing, and that is really, really important. And, yeah. Like there's a lot of stories there I think where the whole family, our family started getting fractured. The idea of like leaving every summer, going back to Bangladesh or wherever and like not having that constant source of consistency which is where safety comes from. Um, we didn't have that and I know we didn't because you didn't know what we were doing. Um, so a part of me kind of has this judgment that I was, I didn't feel safe with you. But, and the other part is like, you're a human and I think what I want- wanted was like a collaboration for all of us to sit- sit together and make decisions together. And we didn't. You kind of made the decisions for all of us, um, but none of the decisions were made in America based off of confidence, but more of like fearful and they're always like pretty much one foot in, one foot out. So then never a commitment to anything. And I think I built a lot of my life around just committing, whatever happens to commit. I com- I commit, I like, you know, I committed to moving to Canada, I did it. I committed to even try and join the U.S. Army for a bit. I did that. Um, and it's very different from I think how someone like Shama who I think who has taken on some of those, you know, harder qualities. Like, she had, she could've just been in Can- Canada by now, fully safe and everything l- legal. But she couldn't commit. Um, so there's just some stories like I think the psychological safety we didn't have and that has shown up with our other relationships that we have had in- in this life like Shama, Fayaz, me. When you don't feel safe in your own body, you don't feel safe with other people and you end up doing like drastic things like some of the stuff I have the- done in this life, some of the stuff that Shama and Fayaz have done in this life. I don't think people do it if they grow up in a safe, secure household. And we didn't have a safe, secure household, so obviously it makes sense that we would make some of the decisions that we did. Um, yeah, and I think the last time that I came to LA and we got into that whole thing at- on- on my last night, I could feel the part of you that is afraid and I have so much compassion for that per- part because, yeah, that's a real thing. Like you have been in fear for the last 20, 25 years. That's a lot of your life now, right? So your body starts to like take that shape. Um, Ammu too. Me, Shama, Fayaz, we all have that shape of fear. We just show up with it differently. And that one time we drove to Seattle for Thanksgiving I mentioned that we have depression, like all of us in the family, and I don't think you fully believed it but I, you know, I mean, we all have experiences with depression even though it might not seem like it. But it's true. Every single one of us and we show up with it in different ways. (exhales) And I think what I wanted to say about the last time I was in Los Angeles and we had our argument was that was my first time seeing you, like your real version I think since Bangladesh. So even though it was not the way I wanted to be there, I at least got to see the part of you that is scared, you know. And I just wanted to I think feel that and I saw that th- when I shouted back at you which I've never done with anyone. Um, that was scary for me and I don't know where that came from but I think it was, it's been stored in my body for a long time. Uh, yeah. So part of me is very sorry for shouting at you and another part is, knows that's what has always been there and I've been trying to like hide it. But I think that night it just, I couldn't hide it. Um, because that indecisiveness is what's gonna kill us. The indecisiveness every single step of the way with the properties in Bangladesh, with all the things, all the stories. It's all been indecisiveness, you know? And I, the one thing I have that's very opposite from you and I had to develop it because I didn't want to have that same thing was decisiveness. Just making a decision and at least committing to it and then seeing where it takes you as opposed to not knowing if this is something you're gonna do. Like, paralysis is the worst thing you can do in this world. Not having an idea and not making a decision, scariest thing. Scariest thing. So-Oh. Yeah. Um, okay, what else? Um, yeah, I'm very appreciative of you. I, I know how much you have done for every single one of us. I think for me more than anyone else, with all the support financially, even when I know it's hard for you, and I know right now it's very hard with not having, like, not having a job because of your status with Sam. And I'm really, really thankful because otherwise, I, it would've been a very hard way of living the last few years. And I think the other piece that I really want that I don't think I'll ever get is connection, um, with you. Like, uh, emotional connection. Deeper connection than just, you know, how is my health? How much money I'm making, whatever, what kind of car I'm driving. Um, but I think, like, I wanna just, like, if ... And this is, like, what I ha- do with people, so this is, I can't live any other way which is, you know, I wanna know, like, what you're feeling that, that deeper stuff. And I know, like, you play this role of being a father, um, and yeah. I'm just, I wanna just release you from that. Like, you don't have to put on this role of the provider or the protector, but maybe if it's ever ev- available, we'll get to a point where we can all collaborate together. Um, instead of you taking everything on, I think it's way easier if, you know, we can all take turns holding each other. Um, we have, uh, all grown up. No one's, you know, gone to jail or done anything crazy, so we're all, like, intelligent, mature people, and I think if we can all come together, and if you can, like, let go of some of the control, yeah that would be a good situation. Although, I don't know if it is ever gonna happen. Um, yeah, so I think I'm just sending this voice message so you can, uh, hear my voice and just be with it. I know I've done stuff in the past with letters and emails. Um, but I think this might have a different effect because you can feel my voice. Um, lastly, yeah, I mean, you know, I don't not want you in my life, but (sighs) if I ever end up having kids, and I wanna have kids one day with Lauren, it's gonna be one of those things where I want them to meet their granddad, but I a- I want them to meet their granddad who's playful, who is creative, who is, who doesn't let the world take him down. 'Cause I know you're such a creative man. Um, but it's been the afraid, indecisive, scared person who has been there this whole time the last few years, and he doesn't even share it. So, if nothing else I just want, you know, that person, the one who is scared to be like, "I'm scared," um, with his grandkids show up with authenticity and honesty and vulnerability, and not, uh, some fake surface level kind of connection. Um, but you and I we can keep a surface level connection. We can just be like, "How are you doing?" Or not even that, but, "Are you financially okay? Um, how is your health?" And then we don't have to go any, any deeper if that's unavailable for you. (sighs) Okay, I'm gonna end it pretty soon. Just wanted to, yeah, just say that I am very thankful of all the things you have shared with me and taught me, and all the things I have learned because of our relationship. Um, it's been my biggest teacher. It's been the hardest relationship of my life, and there has also been a lot of really, really good stuff in there. Um, I release you from all judgments and whatever. I really see you as someone who is trying his best and who has tried so hard to make everyone else happy and safe. And he is still looking for his own happiness and safety. Um ... Yeah. Okay.
Tags
#personal #relationship