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The Connection Compass
A guided check-in to help you and your partner reconnect with what matters most.
Source: radicaleros.com
Before You Begin
This is a deep and serious self-reflection exercise. It asks you to be honest, vulnerable, and willing to explore the truth of your relationship — not just where it's working, but where it might need repair or growth.
Don't use this tool as a weapon. It's not meant to criticize your partner or fuel self-judgment. Approach it with curiosity, compassion and care — for both yourself and the person you're in relationship with.
Doing this exercise is a bit like beginning a mountain climb. You're heading into beautiful, challenging, and sometimes steep terrain. The goal isn't to race to the top or prove anything. The goal is to move mindfully, stay connected, and learn from the journey.
Bring patience. Bring presence. Go gently.
The Frame
Dr Harville Hendrix identified two essential qualities couples need: safety and aliveness. This tool helps couples self-assess where they are in each dimension and identify clear growth opportunities — so they know what to focus on next.
How to score: Rate each pillar 1–10 considering three things:
- How you are showing up in this area
- How your partner is showing up
- How the relationship feels overall in this area
Be honest, not harsh. This is a temperature check — a felt sense of how each area is actually working right now.
Pillars of Safety
1. Integrity Actions matching words. Following through on what you say you'll do. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
2. Truthfulness Being transparent, clear, and honest. Willing to be vulnerable and take responsibility for your inner world. No lying, deceit, or manipulation. Sincere.
3. The Ability to Repair Willing to participate in repair attempts. Apologizing when you get it wrong. Forgiving when your partner messes up. Committed to positive change. Repairing quickly and often rather than avoiding.
4. Consistency & Reliability Being trustworthy and demonstrating stability. Someone your partner can count on to a high degree — showing up when it matters most.
5. Attunement A sense of relaxation in the relational field. Emotionally in sync. Asking questions to clarify and seek understanding. Turning towards each other, listening non-defensively, feeling empathy. A deep sense of "I get you" and "you get me".
Pillars of Aliveness
6. Passion Cultivating joy and desire for life. Connected to personal interests, hobbies, enthusiasm, and a healthy relationship to sexuality. Engaged and expressive.
7. Purpose Having a definite aim — a reason for existing. A clear sense of how you want to be in the world and how you want to use your time. Relationship goals, aspirations, things you're moving toward together.
8. Presence Being in the moment. Aware, open, and curious. Your partner feels that you are really there with them — not distracted or elsewhere.
9. Playfulness A sense of humour and lightness. Full of fun, adventurous, open to spontaneous decisions. Not taking life too seriously all the time.
10. Positivity Uplifting, confident, and optimistic most of the time. Able to reframe negative events in useful ways. Warm, appreciative, and grateful — not performative.
The Scoring
| Pillar | Score (1–10) |
|---|---|
| Integrity | |
| Truthfulness | |
| Ability to Repair | |
| Consistency & Reliability | |
| Attunement | |
| Passion | |
| Purpose | |
| Presence | |
| Playfulness | |
| Positivity |
Growth Inquiry
Give yourself real space for these — a journal, blank paper, or a quiet private document.
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If you could have anything you wanted in each pillar, what would a perfect 10 look and feel like? What deeper need or longing would that fulfill?
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What's getting in the way of experiencing your 10 right now? Both within yourself (fears, patterns, beliefs) and in the dynamic with your partner?
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What specific habits, rituals, or ways of showing up would help you move toward a 10? And how would making these changes serve the relationship you truly want?
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Where do you feel most resistant to change, and what story are you telling yourself that keeps you stuck there?
Notes on Use
This exercise can be done individually or as a couple — each completing their own copy. The power is in integrating both perspectives, not in deciding who's right.
It can be used more than once. Return to it annually, or whenever the relationship needs a reset. Growth isn't a one-time conversation. It's about staying in it together.