Navigating Disconnection and Emotional Challenges

Highlights

Well, Lauren and I have gotten into a couple of arguments and moments of disconnection over the last week since we've been back from Madison Lake. And, yeah, I imagine there's going to be at some point a circle with people and there will be a question of what's happening for you, what's happening. What's coming up? And this is my impressions of what's coming up for me. So here's a woman who I have gotten to know over the last 14, 15 months. And she has given me so much and I have given her so much. And I am pretty good at tracking whether it's through my own hyper vigilance or through my own lack of being able to surrender in my childhood I have a pretty good ability to track people And what I tracked is this She has told me multiple times that she doesn't feel good being on this island. That she really, really enjoys and loves being where she was living. She had all of these fears come up when it came to potentially living together Something she's never done before And me being someone who really wants people to just pursue their truth for themselves Not for someone else, not for the love that is transactional Transactional or love that's relational, but the love that is actually from within, for within. I have tracked that part of me wanting her to really, really find her truth, find her own purpose and love. And she assured me over and over and over again that no this is it Like this is going to be hard but she is ready to do this She wants to do this And so I was like okay let do it And, I mean, in the name of doing it, I've also made efforts to go where she feels comfortable. I made six, seven trips up north, which is not an easy journey, to say the least. Financially, timely, logistically, emotionally, like all the things. It's a long journey, but it's a beautiful journey that's worth landing there for. and yeah my path is and I've also felt this inquiry and this invitation to like spend as much time on the land as much time on the land there as possible and my feeling on that has been I open to doing it but I need to this is like my money years breadwinning years and I want to give it my full go full send which is not something I can do up there 100 I know it So that's the situation I've been in, and then she comes down, and this is probably going to be the most extended time without being up there, and as soon as she's been here with me this whole All week it's been one thing after another, after another, after another. And I've tried to kind of, like, hold her hand through it. At first it was just play fighting. And, like, in the car she did something physical that we agreed not to do, which was shocking for me. And we moved through that. and then on Saturday there was something else that happened where she was telling me about someone and I was trying to like stand up for her and then the way I did it reminded her me her of her dad and I've worked through that a little bit and then a couple of days ago I come home I can just feel her like in this Void of misery and darkness and depression and yeah, I I knew that there was something happening and For a long day. I just don't have bandwidth Capacity to hold I just went to sleep And then yeah, like I think that energy kind of stayed stagnant and I took to help her move it yesterday and In the process of moving that energy. Yeah, she mentioned and she has this hyper-vigilance around me and the things that I say. I think that's what I pick up, the things that I say. And I elaborate and exaggerate and I embellish my truth. And she wonders how much of my life I've embellished to her. um and yeah I think I was just because it's come up before and yeah I think that was like last straw and I just noticed my whole body even like in the moment of trying to like be there with her and be there for her I get made as the victim and or the perpetrator and yeah my body was like fuck this fuck you um I just need my fucking time alone which is what I have not had this whole time. So I think that's it. I'll keep it there. That's what's happening for me. ^rwhi948791357