Philosopher's Notes The Power of Showing Up
The Power of Showing Up
How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired
About the Book
Brian's take
Dan Siegel is a Harvard-trained psychiatrist and one of the world’s leading voices on relationships, mindfulness, and parenting. In The Power of Showing Up, he and Tina Payne Bryson share the essence of what helps kids thrive: you do not need to be perfect, you need to show up. Backed by the science of secure attachment, they give you a simple, practical framework for what “showing up” looks like in real life, especially when things get messy. Big Ideas we explore include Imperfect Parents, The Four S’s, What Makes a Good Parent?, Relational Trust Funds, and History Is Not Destiny.
“Your job as a parent is not to prevent them from experiencing setbacks and failures, but to give them the tools and emotional resilience they need to weather life’s storms.”
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
“Anything we give attention to, anything we emphasize in our experience and interactions, creates new links in the brain.”
Where attention goes, neurons fire. And where neurons fire, they wire, or join together.
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
“Even if we didn’t have secure attachment from our own caregivers, we can still provide it to our own children, if we’ve reflected on and made sense of our own attachment history.”
You really can provide a loving, stable foundation for your child, even if you didn’t receive one from your own parents.
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
“What produces deep and lasting success for kids?”
A secure attachment to a caregiver who shows up. How do we provide that secure attachment? First, by developing a coherent narrative that makes sense of our own early life experiences.
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
“We have a message of great hope: Even if you didn’t receive secure attachment from your parents, you can still offer it to your own children.”
Secure attachment can be learned and earned.
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
“Parents have two primary jobs when it comes to keeping their kids safe and making them feel safe.”
The first is to protect them from harm. The second is to avoid becoming the source of fear and threat.
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
“When you react to your kids from a threatened brain state, you can still repair the breach in the relationship.”
In doing so, you can provide your kids with all kinds of valuable experiences—even if you’re not acting exactly how you’d like.
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
“None of us do this right all the time.”
Life is hard and complex, and having the intention to create clear and consistent connection is the best we can offer—repairing when it doesn’t go well, and maintaining the mindset to show up as best we can as life unfolds.
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
“Simply put, children with secure attachment—those who have been fortunate enough to acquire a secure internal working model of attachment—develop the characteristics and skills that allow them to live happier and more successful lives.”
The benefits of security are striking.
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
“Notice that we’re not describing some kind of superparent here.”
You don’t have to be able to read minds and transcend all your shortcomings or achieve some sort of spiritual enlightenment. You just have to show up. Show up with presence, and with the intention to let your kids feel that you get them and that you’ll be there for them, no matter what. That’s what it means to see—really see—your child.
Dan Siegel & Tina Paine Bryson
Imperfect Parents
28:21
Introduction
From the book
“In our most recent book, The Yes Brain, we answered a question we receive from parents all the time: What are the most important characteristics I should emphasize in my kids?
In that book we discussed the primary attributes parents should aim to instill in their children in order to help them grow into adults who live happy, successful, relational, and meaningful lives. The book you’re now holding answers a different question, one focused less on the qualities within children, and more on a parent’s approach to child-rearing. What’s the single most important thing I can do for my kids to help them succeed and feel at home in the world? Notice this question focuses less on which skills and abilities you want to build in your children, and more on how you approach the parent-child relationship. Our answer is simple (but not necessarily easy): Show up for your kids. We’re excited to explain what we mean by that, and to help you see how crucial the act of showing up is. We can’t wait to strip away all of the child-rearing debates and controversies, and boil parenting down to the one concept that matters most when it comes to helping your kids be happy and healthy, so they enjoy and succeed in life and in relationships.”
Brian's Notes
Dan Siegel is a Harvard-trained psychiatrist who is one of the world’s leading therapists and neuroscientists and is also one of the world’s leading parenting and mindfulness experts.
Among many other things, he created the field of interpersonal neurobiology and has written over 20 books.
He is also one of my favorite people on the planet. We got to know one another over 20 years ago and I felt like I got a spiritual big brother. His presence and EMBODIMENT of the ideals he teaches is as inspiring as the wisdom itself.
Before Alexandra and I had Emerson (over thirteen years ago now—WOW time flies!), I read his first parenting book: Parenting from the Inside Out.
More recently, I read ALL of the incredible parenting books he’s written with Tina Payne Bryson including The Yes Brain, The Whole-Brain Child, and No Drama Discipline.
Those books were life-changing and I’m excited to share my Notes on each of them.
For now, I’m excited to share five of my favorite Big Ideas from THIS great book (get a copy here!) and help you apply that wisdom to your life TODAY.
Let’s get to work!
P.S. Check out my Notes on another one of Dan’s books called Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation. And, check out Notes on a few of my other all-time favorite parenting books: Mindset and Self-Theories by Carol Dweck and 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People by her protégé Dave Yeager.
(Also, check out my old-school Fatherhood 101 class featuring my Top 10 favorite Ideas I created when Emerson was a baby before we had Eleanor!)
BIG IDEA
Imperfect Parents
From the book
“One message we deliver over and over whenever we write about parenting is that you don’t have to be perfect.
Nobody is. There’s no such thing as flawless child-rearing. (We’ll pause while you let out a deep, relieved breath.)… At some level we all know this, but many of us—especially committed, thoughtful, intentional parents—consistently fall prey to feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. We worry about our children and their safety, of course, but we also worry that we’re not ‘good enough’ in the way we’re raising them. We worry that our kids won’t grow up to be responsible or resilient or relational or… (fill in the blank). We worry about the times we let them down, or hurt them. We worry that we’re not giving them enough attention, or that we’re giving them too much attention. We even worry that we worry too much! We’ve written this book for all the imperfect parents who care deeply about their kids (as well as for imperfect grandparents and teachers and professionals and anyone else who cares for a child). We have one central message full of comfort and hope: When you’re not sure how to respond in a given situation with your child, don’t worry. There’s one thing you can always do, and it’s the best thing of all. Instead of worrying, or trying to attain some standard of perfection that simply doesn’t exist, just show up. Showing up means what it sounds like. It means being there for your kids. It means being physically present, as well as providing a quality of presence…. You don’t have to be perfect…. You don’t even have to know exactly what you’re doing. Just show up.”
Brian's Notes
Those are the very first words of the very first chapter.
I thought of a couple things as I read that.
First, let’s go back to that first sentence and remind ourselves that…
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.
NOBODY IS.
As we’ve discussed many (many!) times, Abraham Maslow studied the greatest human beings of his generation (and in history). He found a lot of extraordinary people. He called them “self-actualizers.”
But…
You know what Maslow DIDN’T find?
He didn’t find ANY perfect people.
NOT EVEN ONE.
And…
Guess what?
I hate to break the news to you but…
You and I will NOT be the first perfect people.
I REPEAT: There are NO perfect human beings. No perfect relationships. No perfect kids. And no perfect parents. PERIOD.
That’s easy for me to type and easy for you to nod your head at as you read it. The trick is to REMEMBER THIS the next time you flip your lid and act like a jerk to your kids. (lol)
Which brings me back to one of my favorite things about Dan.
If you’ve been blessed to spend any time with Dan, you know that he’s seriously close to being one of the most enlightened guys out there. (No joke!)
And… The way he tells the story about how HE has “flipped his lid” and gotten super-angry with his kids is incredibly liberating. If nearly-enlightened DAN has yelled at his kids, WE can give ourselves permission to not be perfect—embracing Kristen Neff’s science of Self-Compassion and the importance of recognizing our common humanity.
Of course, we want to accept our imperfections and then get to work optimizing. Rule? JUST SHOW UP! Let’s chat about how to go about doing that most powerfully.
BIG IDEA
What Showing Up Looks Like: The Four S’s
From the book
“When a caregiver predictably (not perfectly) cares for a child, that child will enjoy the very best outcomes, even in the face of significant adversity.
Predictable care that supports a healthy and empowering relationship embodies what we call the ‘Four S’s’—helping kids feel (1) safe —they feel protected and sheltered from harm; (2) seen —they know you care about them and pay attention to them; (3) soothed —they know you’ll be there for them when they’re hurting; and (4) secure —based on the other S’s, they trust you to predictably help them feel ‘at home’ in the world, then learn to help themselves feel safe, seen, and soothed. When we can offer kids the Four S’s, making repairs whenever the inevitable ruptures in these connections with our children may occur, we help create what’s called ‘secure attachment,’ and it’s absolutely key to optimal healthy development.”
Brian's Notes
Want to know what it means to show up?
Remember “The Four S’s.”
I repeat: Our kids need to feel SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED, and SECURE.
They feel protected from harm = SAFE.
They know you care about them and pay attention to them = SEEN.
They know you’ll be there for them when they’re hurting = SOOTHED.
They trust you to predictably help them feel at home in the world = SECURE.
Pop quiz…
Do you need to do that PERFECTLY?
Answer…
NO.
But you *do* need to do that “predictably.”
You need to be consistent enough in SHOWING UP with those Four S’s that your kids can count on you. And, when you INEVITABLY fall short of your standards of excellence, what do you do? You quickly “repair” by apologizing, learning, and recommitting to being your best next time!
P.S. If you, like me, are a recovering perfectionist (who was NOT raised in an environment in which those Four S’s were present;), you may enjoy our Conquering Perfectionism Quest (coming soon) featuring some of my favorite books on conquering perfectionism (including my all-time favorite The Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben-Shahar!) and Conquering Perfectionism 101 in which I share the Top 10 Ideas that have most changed my life.
BIG IDEA
What Makes a Good Parent?
From the book
“To restate it as simply as possible, kids are most likely to become resilient, caring, and strong when parents show up.
We don’t have to be perfect, but the ways in which we show up (or fail to show up) influence who our kids become and how their brains get wired. Naturally there are other factors—random events, inborn features of temperament, inherited vulnerabilities—that we cannot change and that also influence how our children develop. But when it comes to what we can do to shape our kids’ growth, the research is solid. Parents who show up are the ones who have made sense of their own life experiences, creating a ‘coherent narrative’ and being able to offer parental presence so that they show up inside and out. Inside we come to understand how the past has shaped who we are in the present in a way that frees us to be what we want to be now and in the future. And outside, we learn how to have an open, receptive awareness—to have parental presence —so that our child feels felt, understood, and connected to us. Making sense and being present: That’s what showing up is all about. And that’s where we’ll begin, with helping you consider how well you’ve made sense of your experiences with your own parents and how you can be present in the lives of your kids.”
Brian's Notes
That’s from a chapter called “Why Do Some Parents Show Up, While Others Don’t?”
Dan and Tina are two of the world’s leading experts on the science of secure attachment. The book I read BEFORE I had Emerson (Parenting from the Inside Out —still need to do a Note on it!) is ALL about the importance of how you’ve integrated your past, present, and future into what scientists call a “coherent narrative.”
We talk about the power of “coherent narratives” in my Notes on William Damon’s great book A Round of Golf with My Father.
Professor Damon is one of the world’s leading scholars on the science of moral development and creating a meaningful, purpose-driven life.
He’s ALSO an incredibly wonderful human being.
In his great book, he tells the story about how he grew up without his father. He grew up thinking his dad died in World War II. As it turns out, his dad *didn’t* die. He just decided NOT to come back after the war and created a new life in Europe.
Eek. How do you integrate THAT into a coherent narrative? Professor Damon tells us how he did it through his process of creating a “life review.”
He tells us that “A life review is a deliberate procedure for reconstructing our pasts in a manner that can provide three personal benefits that many of us desire as we grow older:
- acceptance of the events and choices that have shaped our lives, reflecting gratitude for the life we’ve been given rather than self-doubt and regret
- a more authentic (and thus more robust) understanding of who we are and how we got to be that way, reflecting the well-grounded, reassuring sense of self that the great psychologist Erik Erikson called ‘ego integrity’
- a clarity in the directions we wish to take our lives going forward, reflecting what we have learned from the experiences and purposes that have given our lives meaning in the past.”
Dan and Tina tell us just how important it is WE create a coherent narrative for ourselves. And… They provide INCREDIBLY powerful wisdom to help us do that.
Check out the book for more.
For now, know this: “History is NOT destiny. By making sense of your own story, you can be the kind of parent you want to be—regardless of how you were parented.”
P.S. William Damon is another one of my favorite people on the planet. Check out our Notes on Noble Purpose, The Path to Purpose, and The Power of Ideals for his extraordinary wisdom on how to live a good, purpose-driven life.
P.P.S. When I first created Heroic Public Benefit Corporation, I reached out to some of my friends and mentors for their wisdom on how to think about things. Professor Damon was one of the very first people from whom I was blessed to receive support.
At the end of our chat, I asked him: “What’s the thing you want me thinking about?”
He paused for a moment. Then smiled and said: “Two things. First, all of my best ideas were originally rejected by many people who told me they were terrible ideas. Second, you must know that this is going to be a LOT harder than you may think it will be!”
I got goosebumps typing that. At the time, I remember thinking: “Ah. It’s not going to be *that* hard.” (HAH.) Let’s just say that Professor Damon was absolutely correct.
Remember Rule: A Hero’s Journey is SUPPOSED TO BE CHALLENGING! When we *really* get that, we quit wasting time arguing with reality (and potentially shaming ourselves about the difficulties we’re facing!) and can put ALL of our energy into conquering our challenges.
As William says regarding his own quest to integrate his life into a coherent narrative: “I was embarking on a serious quest, and I knew that I would not get very far if I approached it casually or haphazardly.”
BIG IDEA
Invest in a Relational Trust Fund
From the book
“When you show up for your kids, you build trust with them.
Each time they need you and you’re there for them, the trust in the relationship goes up. It’s like making a deposit into a bank account. Call it a trust fund. You can build this trust from the moment your child is born by showing up for her when she needs you. Your baby needs you to help her feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. By quickly, sensitively, and predictably responding to her, meeting her needs, and holding her, you’re giving her the best possible gift in terms of brain development and her ability to trust that she will be taken care of…. By now you know we’re not saying parents should step in and solve every problem their kids face. Instead, we’re saying we want to build the firm belief for our children that when they need us, we’ll be there to support them, even when we can’t—or choose not to—resolve the specific issue they’re facing. So watch for ways to make deposits into the relational trust fund. Each time you do so you’ll be strengthening your child’s secure base, meaning she can venture out on her own from a stable launching pad and develop even more confidence and independence.”
Brian's Notes
That’s from the final chapter called “Putting All the S’s Together.”
There’s so much we can discuss. Let’s focus on building that “relational trust fund.”
I want to start by saying that THE FIRST “trust fund” we need to build is with OURSELVES. And, REMEMBER: The word confidence literally means “intense trust.”
When I think about how we can forge intense trust, I immediately think of Dr. Nate Zinsser and his brilliant wisdom from The Confident Mind: A Battle-Tested Guide to Unshakable Performance.
For over three decades, Dr. Zinsser was the director of the Performance Psychology Program at the United States Military Academy at West Point. He’s also worked with world-class performers including two-time Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning, as well as many Olympic and NCAA champions.
Know this: The Confident Mind is my all-time favorite mental toughness/peak performance book. (It’s tied for first with Bob Rotella’s How Champions Think. Fun fact: I’ve read my own Notes on Rotella’s book DOZENS of times.)
Now… Dr. Z tells us that: “Confidence is a quality that you can develop the same way you develop any other skill, ability, or competency—through practice.”
He also tells us that we need to build our confidence by making deposits into our “psychological bank of confidence.” (← Sounds a lot like a “trust fund,” eh?)
He tells us: “It’s no stretch then, to think of your confidence, that sense of certainty you have about yourself and your abilities, as the sum total of all your thoughts about yourself and your abilities. In the world of human performance, your confidence regarding your sport, or game, or profession is the sum total of all your thoughts about that sport, or game, or profession. …
But this total isn’t a static, once-and-for-all tally. Instead, it changes constantly, as each and every new thought and new memory is added to it, making it a ‘running total,’ a momentary sum of everything that you’ve thought about yourself and your abilities, a sum that is always changing depending on (1) how you are thinking at any time, (2) which aspects of your experience you are choosing to focus and linger on at any moment, and (3) how much emotion you invest in which particular thoughts and which particular memories. In that way, human confidence is very much a psychological ‘bank account,’ a repository of your thoughts about yourself and what is happening in your life.
Just as the balance of any bank account at the end of the day depends upon how much is either deposited into it or withdrawn from it, the psychological bank account of confidence also rises and falls depending on how you are thinking in any given moment. ‘Deposit’ into that bank account memories of past successes, memories of progress or improvement, and thoughts about future improvements and accomplishments, and the ‘balance’ grows. ‘Withdraw’ from that account by replaying past setbacks and difficulties, or by fixating on possible future setbacks and difficulties, and the ‘balance’ shrinks. Gaining confidence, protecting confidence, and performing with confidence—winning that First Victory—is all about managing your psychological bank account.”
He ALSO tells us that there are THREE ways to build our psychological bank account of confidence.: Filtering Your Past for Valuable Deposits.: Constructive Thinking in the Present.: Envisioning Your Ideal Future Self.
Remind you of anything? It should! That’s pretty much EXACTLY how we (goosebumps) create a coherent narrative—with an integrated PAST, PRESENT, and FUTURE.
Every morning when I spend my 7 minutes journaling, I make deposits—reflecting on things in my past I’m most proud of, seeing the future I aspire to create, and affirming my present.
Check out the Notes on The Confident Mind for how to do that. For now, with every micro interaction you have with your kids (and spouse, etc.!) think: Am I making a deposit into my relationship trust fund or making a withdrawal?
Let’s focus on making deposits all day, every day, especially… TODAY!
P.S. One of the most beautiful metaphors Dan and Tina share in their books is that great parents create both a “SAFE HARBOR” and a “LAUNCHING PAD” for our kids such that our kids *know* that they have a safe place to go when life knocks them around AND we’ve helped them forge the confidence of a launching pad to help them blast off and most powerfully give their gifts to the world! (We’ll chat more about this in future Notes!)
BIG IDEA
History Is Not Destiny
From the book
“The science confirms that this security doesn’t require that you’re perfect.
You’re not going to provide flawless care in every interaction you have with your child. But by repeatedly showing up—reliably making repairs when the inevitable ruptures occur—and providing the Four S’s, you will be creating the kind of future that allows your child to flourish and thrive, even in the midst of life’s harsh realities, as a young adult and throughout their whole life. What we hope we’ve made clear here is that you can create this kind of future for your children, no matter what happened in your own past. History is not destiny. Research robustly reveals that no matter what happened to us, if we take the time to make sense of how the past has shaped our development, we can then free ourselves to become the kind of person and parent we want to be. This science of attachment is tremendously hopeful, confirming again and again that we can offer secure attachment to our kids regardless of how we ourselves were parented. What’s more, we can earn secure attachment in our own lives, simply by doing the hard work of reflecting on the past and making sense of our past experiences. When we can tell a coherent story about where we’ve come from and how it affects us in the present, we can then take clear and powerful steps toward becoming the kind of parents we want to be…. In many ways, learning to show up for our kids teaches them the skills of showing up fully for life itself. What better gift could we possibly offer?”
Brian's Notes
Those are the final words of the book.
One of THE most powerful things about reading Dan and Tina’s books is the affirmation of our potential and the scientifically-proven ways we can go about showing up as our best. The science says: “History is not destiny.”
Here’s to SHOWING UP for ourselves and our kids—helping them feel SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED, and SECURE as we raise the next generation of heroes and change the world together—one person at a time, starting with you and me and all our kids… TODAY!
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