Philosopher's Notes The First Rule of Mastery

The First Rule of Mastery

Stop Worrying about What People Think of You

About the Book

Brian's take

My dear friend Rear Admiral Daryle D. Cardone told me I needed to get this book. I follow orders from the Admiral, so I got it, loved it, and here we are. Michael Gervais is one of the most respected peak performance psychologists in the world, and as Angela Duckworth says, he brings the perfect blend of straight talk, science, and practical advice to the question that quietly constricts so many lives: why do you care so much about what other people think, and what do you do about it? The answer starts with naming the invisible force that limits your potential: FOPO, the Fear Of People’s Opinions. This book is a powerful reminder that the antidote to FOPO is not pretending you do not care, it’s caring deeply about others while trusting yourself enough to live in alignment with your purpose, then building a life that is bigger than your need for approval. Big Ideas we explore include FOPO, Your Self-Worth, The Antidote to FOPO, Bigger Than You, and What Will You Regret?

“The single greatest bulwark against FOPO is having a strong sense of self.”

Know who you are and the opinions of others cease to be a constant threat…. As Joseph Campbell put it, ‘The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.

Michael Gervais, Phd

“As Lao Tzu, the philosopher and reputed author of the Tao Te Ching, and the founder of Taoism said, ‘Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

Michael Gervais, Phd

“For people with a purpose-based identity, it’s not the evaluation of other people that drives them or fuels them.”

It’s the meaning of what they’re doing and the potential of what they can impact. Those are two very different fuels. One is sustainable, and the other will burn you out.

Michael Gervais, Phd

“The goal, each and every time you hear the chimes of FOPO, is to focus more on who you want to be, versus what you think they want you to be.”

Michael Gervais, Phd

“You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.”

David Foster Wallace

“Opinions are meant to be changed—or how is truth to be got at?”

Lord Byron

“Mindfulness is a foundational tool to change your relationship with FOPO.”

It enables you to be more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions in each moment, giving you the space to respond rather than react. Mindfulness is both a state of being and a skill.

Michael Gervais, Phd

“Simply recognizing that most people, to varying degrees, are moving through the world under their own spotlight—and are not focused on you—can help override your emotional programming and counteract the spotlight effect.”

Michael Gervais, Phd

“The world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.”

Carl Jung

FOPO: An Invisible Limit

29:04

Introduction

From the book

“As a high-performance psychologist, I’ve had the privilege of working with some of the most extraordinary individuals and teams across the planet.

I was on the sidelines when the Seattle Seahawks won Super Bowl XLVIII against the Denver Broncos. I sat in mission control when Austrian base jumper Felix Baumgartner made his record-breaking space jump from twenty-four miles above the earth’s surface, free-falling at over eight hundred miles per hour. I was on the beaches of Tokyo when USA Surfing won the first Olympic gold medal in the history of the sport. I was courtside when Kerri Walsh Jennings and Misty May-Treanor, arguably the best female beach volleyball team of all time, won three golds in three consecutive Olympics. I was in the room with the CEO of the world’s largest tech company when the company set course to be the first enterprise organization to build a culture based on mindset, empathy, and purpose. The best performers in the world push past the perceived limits of human potential and expand our notions of what’s possible. But, in my experience, they aren’t merely exceptional at their craft. Beyond a relentless pursuit of being their best, what drives these high performers is a striving for inner excellence. They’re in constant pursuit of mastery…. Mastery in any area of life—the arts, business, parenting, sports—requires being able to differentiate what is and is not within our control. When we place attention on things outside our control, we take our focus and energy away from what we can control. Hence, the first rule of mastery requires looking within and fundamentally committing to work on mastering what’s 100 percent under your control. There is nothing else that can be mastered. This is the essence of the path.”

Brian's Notes

My dear friend Rear Admiral Daryle D.

Cardone told me I needed to get this book.

I follow orders from the Admiral, so I got it. Loved it. And, here we are. (Hooyah, Bone!)

Michael Gervais is one of THE most respected peak performance psychologists in the world. As per that quick tour of his resume in our intro quote above, he’s had the privilege of working with some of THE most elite performers in the world.

Angela Duckworth (author of Grit) tells us: “I love Mike Gervais—his insights, his straight talk, and his pitch-perfect advice! Mike draws on the latest research and his own practices and principles to explain why we care so much about what other people think of us and what to do about it.”

The book is PACKED with Big Ideas. I’m excited to share some of my favorites and help you apply that wisdom to your life TODAY (!), so let’s get straight to work.

We’ll start with Rule of Mastery…

P.S. Admiral Cardone used to be Captain Cardone. In that role, he was the commanding officer of the USS REAGAN. Michael Gervais flew out to connect with him and his crew and created an AMAZING podcast episode featuring Daryle and his leadership wisdom: High-Stakes Performance & Leadership Aboard a US Aircraft Carrier | Capt. Daryle Cardone.

BIG IDEA

FOPO: An Invisible Limit

From the book

“Our fear of people’s opinions (FOPO) is a hidden epidemic and may be the single greatest constrictor of human potential.

Our concern with what other people think about us has become an irrational, unproductive, and unhealthy obsession in the modern world. And its negative effects reach into all aspects of our lives. When we experience FOPO, we lose faith in ourselves, and our performance suffers. That’s human nature. But, if we’re not careful, FOPO can take over the narrative in our minds, slowly poisoning us. Instead of focusing on our own thoughts and feelings, we start obsessing about the thoughts and opinions of others, whether spoken or perceived, and this obsession can affect our decisions and actions. And our lives…. The sooner you fundamentally change your relationship with other people’s opinions, the sooner you become free. Totally free to be at home with yourself wherever you are.”

Brian's Notes

Want to know The First Rule of Mastery?

Here it is…

Get over your FOPO.

Your fear of people’s opinions is limiting your potential.

As Mike puts it: “FOPO shows up almost everywhere in our lives—and the consequences are great. We play it safe and we play it small because we’re afraid of what will happen on the other side of critique. When challenged, we go full-on porcupine, protecting our egos with our version of sharp quills, or we surrender our viewpoint. We trade in authenticity for approval.”

← That’s brilliant.

Have you ever experienced the vacillation from porcupine-mode defending your position to surrender-mode where we acquiesce to someone else’s viewpoint?

Me, too. Like… yesterday. (Hah.)

Technically, now that I’ve arrived at what we’re going to do with 100% clarity and ALL IN commitment, the quills are down and I’m not defending or acquiescing my decision.

But… The last few weeks gave me plenty of opportunities to practice this philosophy. I’m typing this a few days into a new phase of our biz. In my Notes on The Science of Scaling, I talk about the process I went through to arrive at the ONE impossible goal we’re going for: 1,000 Notes => 1M x $100 = $100M.

This morning, during my Confident Mind -inspired journaling process, I wrote: “I have created 1,000 Notes. 1 million people say PN is THE best $100 they have ever invested in themselves. We have generated $100 million of revenue and activated our movement.”

Ah. That felt great just typing that.

But, here’s the deal. One of the most challenging things for me over the last several weeks has been my FOPO.

To put it directly: There are a LOT of people who think THEY know what I should be doing with our biz better than I do. (Actually, there aren’t that many. Two in particular.;)

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said in Self-Reliance: “What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what your duty is better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”

I repeat: “You will always find those who think they know what your duty is better than you know it.”

Of course, certain people in our lives will often offer valuable insights that will improve our thinking. But… And this is one of those BIG BUTS… If we succumb to the pressure of FOPO, we’re in trouble.

Which is why Emerson also says: “I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should.”

I could quote Emerson ALL DAY but I’ll send you to my Notes on Self-Reliance after I share a couple more of his gems.

Know this: “For nonconformity the world whips you with its displeasure.”

And know this: “And truly it demands something godlike in him who has cast off the common motives of humanity, and has ventured to trust himself for a taskmaster. High be his heart, faithful his will, clear his sight, that he may in good earnest be doctrine, society, law, to himself, that a simple purpose may be to him as strong as iron necessity is to others!”

Now… As I typed that I thought of my dear friend, Marty Bicknell. In addition to being our biggest investor and biggest corporate partner, Marty is on our Heroic board and has become my most trusted advisor. (Got a little misty typing that as I think of the incredible insights he’s provided over just the last few weeks.)

He echoes this FOPO wisdom.

I recently asked him what I should do with what I perceive to be bad advice. He said: “My dad taught me to ask people what they think then keep what you want and throw away the rest.” To which I say: “PERFECT!” No FOPO porcupine-surrender required.

At the end of that same chat, I asked him: “What’s the thing you want me thinking about?” His answer became my mantra during my decision-making process: “Trust yourself.”

Most recently, once the decision was made, Marty told me: “Ignore the haters. No backup plan. Go get it.”

That’s my wisdom to you right now… Do the hard work to connect to your best self to craft the clarity you need to create your ideal future.

Then… Let go of the FOPO.

TRUST YOURSELF.

Ignore the haters. No backup plan. GO GET IT!

BIG IDEA

Don’t Outsource Your Self-Worth

From the book

“Psychologists Richard Ryan and Ed Deci’s widely accepted self-determination theory (SDT) signaled a Copernican shift in our understanding of human motivation, upending the dominant belief that people were primarily driven by external rewards.

SDT holds that human beings are driven by three basic internal needs that must be fulfilled to perform optimally and to experience well-being. They need to feel capable and effective in meeting the demands of the environment (competence). They need to feel a sense of belonging and a sense that they matter to others and others matter to them (relatedness). Lastly, they need autonomy, the freedom to make choices that align with their priorities, beliefs, and values. Autonomy in this context does not mean independence, it means having volition and control. It’s when people choose to do something because of the inherent satisfaction it yields. If people are interested in and enjoy an activity and choose it freely, they turn out to be better problem-solvers, more creative, more engaged, and more resilient in the face of challenges. Outsourcing our self-worth undermines those basic human needs.”

Brian's Notes

That’s from a chapter appropriately called “Outsourcing Self-Worth.”

Here’s a Pro Tip:

DON’T OUTSOURCE YOUR SELF-WORTH.

What should we do instead? Embrace the science of motivation. Dan Pink wrote a book that is essentially all about unpacking Richard Ryan and Ed Deci’s Self-Determination Theory and applying it to the process of attaining mastery.

It’s called Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.

He tells us: “The fundamentally autonomous quality of human nature is central to self-determination theory (SDT). As I explained in the previous chapter, Deci and Ryan cite autonomy as one of the three basic human needs. And of the three, it’s the most important—the sun around which SDT’s planets orbit. In the 1980s, as they progressed in their work, Deci and Ryan moved away from categorizing behavior strictly as either extrinsically motivated or intrinsically motivated to categorizing it as either controlled or autonomous. ‘Autonomous motivation involves behaving with a full sense of volition and choice,’ they write, ‘whereas controlled motivation involves behaving with the experience of pressure and demand toward specific outcomes that comes from forces perceived to be external to the self.’

Autonomy, as they see it, is different from independence. It’s not the rugged, go-it-alone, rely-on- nobody individualism of the American cowboy. It means acting with choice—which means we can be both autonomous and happily interdependent with others.”

Back to Gervais.

In this chapter, he talks about the perils of “contingent self-worth.”

He tells us: “Perhaps, above all, contingent self-worth empower’s people’s opinions about us at the expense of our own and undercuts the basic human need for autonomy. We expend an enormous number of resources looking outward to see if we are okay. We feel more controlled by what other people do, think, and feel. We give up our own ability to reassure ourselves. We have difficulty making decisions and commitment because we look for an answer outside ourselves rather than first looking within. We crowdsource our sense of self. We allow other people to decide how we feel about ourselves.”

As I typed that, I was reminded of what I did at a critical point of my decision-making process. I found myself caught in a bit of an echo chamber of other people’s thoughts and the noise of the day to day stuff going on with the business. So… I decided to check myself into a hotel for 4 days so I could tap into the solitude I needed to get clarity.

Fun fact: I printed out FIFTY of these Philosopher’s Notes to help remind me of the wisdom I aspire to embody. I read over 30 of them. The first and most important one I read?

Lead Yourself First by Mike Erwin and Raymond Kethledge. The thing these guys teach is that the greatest leaders in history have used SOLITUDE (which they define as YOU minus inputs!) to forge FOUR things: Clarity, Creativity, Emotional Balance, and Moral Courage.

They tells us: “Clarity is often a difficult thing for a leader to obtain. Concerns of the present tend to loom larger than potentially greater concerns that lie farther away. Some decisions by their nature present great complexity, whose many variables must align a certain way for the leader to succeed. Compounding the difficulty, now more than ever, is what ergonomists call information overload, where a leader is overrun with inputs—via e-mails, meetings, and phone calls—that only distract and clutter his thinking….

Solitude offers ways for leaders to obtain greater clarity. A leader who thinks through a complex problem by hard analytical work—as Eisenhower did before D-day—can identify the conditions necessary to solve it. A leader who silences the din not only around her mind, but inside it, can then hear the delicate voice of intuition, which may have already made connections that her conscious mind has not.”

SOLITUDE. It does a Hero good. Create some TODAY.

BIG IDEA

The Antidote to FOPO

From the book

“We are not individuals who have learned to be social.

We are social animals who have learned to identify as separate selves. That’s worth repeating. We are fundamentally social. And truly understanding and reminding ourselves that we need true connection will help us work with FOPO. In fact, FOPO is born out of a deep desire to be accepted and connected to others. It’s a basic human need to belong. The fear of someone’s negative opinion is a symptom of a deeper fear: being rejected. The deeply biologically ingrained consequence of rejection is what drives FOPO’s pervasive nature. It might seem like the antidote to FOPO is to simply not care about what someone thinks of you. In its simplest form, the solution—the antidote to FOPO—has two dimensions: (1) to have deep love and care for others’ well-being and to be a contributor to the social fabric our biology has optimized for, and (2) to act in alignment with one’s purpose, values, and goals. This in return promotes thoughts and actions that create a rising tide for both others and self. When we act in alignment with loving others and at the same time working toward one’s purpose, there is very little space for the mental energy consumed by worrying about what others may or may not be thinking about you.”

Brian's Notes

There’s the most powerful passage of the book.

Be aware of the threat of FOPO. And… Know that the antidote *isn’t* to completely stop caring about what people think of you per se (obviously!) but to START with our commitment to “(1) have deep love and care for others’ well-being and to be a contributor to the social fabric our biology has optimized for” AND (it’s ALWAYS, “yes, and!”) “(2) to act in alignment with one’s purpose, values, and goals.”

As Gervais brilliantly says: “This in return promotes thoughts and actions that create a rising tide for both others and self. When we act in alignment with loving others and at the same time working toward one’s purpose, there is very little space for the mental energy consumed by worrying about what others may or may not be thinking about you.”

BIG IDEA

Bigger Than You

From the book

“Connecting to something bigger than we are makes us less susceptible to the opinions and negative thoughts that follow the separate self.

We become more like the ocean than a small puddle of water that’s easily displaced. It’s a little counterintuitive, because our natural reaction is to place our attention on ourselves when we are struggling. We look to fix what ails us. Paradoxically though, when we look outward rather than focusing on our self, we connect with the deeper parts of who we are. The more we focus on contributing to the whole, the more connected we feel. The more we let go of our self, the more we access our true self. This can take the form of adopting goals that are focused on something bigger than ourselves—something that contributes to the well-being or support of others or the planet. When we apply our unique strengths and virtues toward something greater than ourselves, we recognize we are part of a larger, interrelated ecosystem. No, not in that way where you just joined a fraternity or sorority and you feel connected to a larger group. Having a purpose larger than ourselves is a portal into an awareness of the profound interconnectedness of all things and that we don’t exist in isolation. Our attention gets drawn away from the narrow prism of our ‘self’ to the recognition that our real nature can only be understood in context of our connection with others.”

Brian's Notes

That’s from a chapter called “Social Beings Masquerading as Separate Selves.” A LOT of things come to mind as I read that.

First, recall that the word Hero LITERALLY means “protector.” The Hero lives for something bigger than ourselves. Our secret weapon (!) is LOVE!!! We go on our Heroic quests to conquer our demons and transform ourselves SO THAT we can return with gifts for the world. It’s ALWAYS both—the personal transformation for the collective contribution!

I also think of Owen Eastwood and his book Belonging: The Ancient Code of Togetherness. Owen is one of the world’s best peak performance coaches. He leans into the power of the TEAM (!) to forge competitive excellence. I met him when I flew to Scotland to kick off Luke Donald’s championship-winning European Ryder Cup team’s mental toughness training at the Scottish Open 444 days before they hit their first tee shot.

One of the European team’s competitive advantages? THEY PLAYED LIKE A TEAM!! I got goosebumps typing that as I reflect on Luke’s remarkable emphasis on the fact they were playing for each other and something much bigger than themselves.

I also think about the great book Iconoclast: A Neuroscientist Reveals How to Think Differently by Gregory Berns. It’s basically a different take on the same theme.

If you want to be an iconoclast (!) you must do THREE things: (1) see the world differently (aka have a vision of what’s possible that others aren’t seeing), (2) tame your amygdala (aka manage your FOPO!), and (3) be a good human being (aka connect to and serve others powerfully so they want to join you!).

Finally, I think of Let Them: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About by Mel Robbins. I created the Notes on that yesterday. It’s PHENOMENAL.

We get rid of our FOPO by doing two things: (1) Let people have their own opinions (LET THEM**!) and (2) trusting ourselves enough to do what we think is best (LET ME!**).

Here’s to saying YES to living with love committed to something bigger than ourselves AND doing what we’re here to do.

All day. Every day. ESPECIALLY TODAY*.*

BIG IDEA

What Will You Regret?

From the book

“We don’t know how long we are going to live in the physical form, so let’s plan as if the great mystery is right around the corner.

Do you want to know what you will regret at the end of your life? Simply ask yourself what you regret right now. If you wish you were more present for your two-year-old daughter right now, you are likely going to have that same regret four decades from now. If you regret opting for the comfort and familiarity of your current job rather than reaching for the stars, you will likely have a similar regret down the road. The big difference between now and then is that you have the ability to do something about it now. You have a choice at every moment of your life whether you are going to play the FOPO game. Are you going to spend your precious days, hours, and moments worrying about other people’s opinions? Are you going to spend your brief time on this planet worrying about what other people think you should say or do or feel?”

Brian's Notes

Last year I read 101 books in 101 days.

I’m excited to do Notes on a couple that address exactly this issue: Dan Pink’s The Power of Regret and Bronnie Ware’s 5 Regrets of the Dying.

For now… Let’s do that exercise: WHAT WILL YOU REGRET AT THE END OF YOUR LIFE? As Gervais tells us, you’re going to regret the things you CURRENTLY regret. So, start THERE! Show up as your best self and conquer those challenges NOW.

One more exercise. I just had a flashback to a talk on Antifragility I was privileged to give to the top commanders at the United States Special Operations Command. I was invited by the commander of USSOCOM, General Bryan P. Fenton. At the end of my talk (goosebumps) he said: “Brian, tell them about the quick trip to hell.”

Here it is. It’s the end of your life. You’re on your deathbed. Right before you die, in walks the version of you that you COULD have become. (Feel the pain of that moment.) Now… Some say that meeting THAT version of you when you can’t do anything about it is a version of hell. Good news: You can do something about it. So… DO IT.

It’s Day 1. We’re ALL IN. Let’s go, Hero!