Philosopher's Notes Supercommunicators
Supercommunicators
How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection
About the Book
Brian's take
Charles Duhigg is a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and one of the very best storytellers in the world when it comes to translating science into practical tools. This is the third Note I’ve created on one of his great books, and Supercommunicators might be his most important yet because it’s all about how to unlock the secret language of connection. Charles shows us that in every moment we’re actually having one of three conversations, practical (What’s this really about?), emotional (How do we feel?), or social (Who are we?), and the best communicators know how to match what the other person truly needs, to be helped, hugged, or heard. Big Ideas we explore include the three conversations, the four rules for meaningful connection, looping to understand as the technique, how to approach tough conversations, and the ultimate rule beneath it all: LOVE.
“Rather than trying to control the other person, happy couples tended to focus, instead, on controlling themselves, their environment, and the conflict itself.”
Charles Duhigg
“By creating an environment where people are invited to discuss their emotions, and then prove to one another they want to understand, we foster trust, even among people accustomed to seeing each other as foes.”
Charles Duhigg
“Happy couples ask each other more questions, repeat what the other person said, make tension-easing jokes, get serious together.”
The next time you feel yourself edging toward an argument, try asking your partner: ‘Do you want to talk about our emotions? Or do we need to make a decision together? Or is this about something else?’
Charles Duhigg
“The most important variable in determining whether someone ended up happy and healthy, or miserable and sick, was ‘how satisfied they were in their relationships,’ one researcher wrote. ‘The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest (mentally and physically) at age 80.”
Charles Duhigg
Three Kinds of Conversations
23:55
Introduction
From the book
“Anyone can become a supercommunicator—and, in fact, many of us already are, if we learn to unlock our instincts.
We can all learn to hear more clearly, to connect on a deeper level. In the pages ahead, you’ll see how executives at Netflix, creators of The Big Bang Theory, spies and surgeons, NASA psychologists and COVID researchers have transformed how they speak and listen—and, as a result, have managed to connect with people across seemingly vast divides. And you will see how these lessons apply to everyday conversations: our chats with workmates, friends, romantic partners and our kids, the barista at the coffee shop and that woman we always wave to on the bus. And that’s important, because learning to have meaningful conversations is, in some ways, more urgent than ever before. It’s no secret the world has become increasingly polarized, that we struggle to hear and be heard. But if we know how to sit down together, listen to each other and, even if we can’t resolve every disagreement, find ways to hear one another and say what is needed, we can coexist and thrive. Every meaningful conversation is made up of countless small choices. There are fleeting moments when the right question, or a vulnerable admission, or an empathetic word can completely change a dialogue. A silent laugh, a barely audible sigh, a friendly smile during a tense moment: Some people have learned to spot these opportunities, to detect what kind of discussion is occurring, to understand what others really want. They have learned how to hear what’s unsaid and speak so others want to listen. This, then, is a book that explores how we communicate and connect. Because the right conversation, at the right moment, can change everything.”
Brian's Notes
This is the third Note I’ve created on one of Charles Duhigg’s great books.
We’ve already covered his classic The Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better.
Charles is a Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist. He’s also a graduate of Yale and Harvard Business School. And… He’s a GREAT storyteller who brilliantly integrates science and practical tools to help us optimize the most important aspects of our lives.
This book, as per the sub-title, is all about “How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.” He tells us that in any given situation, we’re “actually participating in one of three conversations: practical (What’s this really about?), emotional (How do you feel?), and social (Who are we?).”
Another way to think about: When you’re having a chat with someone, ask yourself, Do they want to be helped (practical), hugged (emotional), or heard (social)?
As I read it, I had the thought that it *could* have been called “Superconnectors.” That’s what Charles helps us understand—how to CONNECT with the people in our lives.
As you’d expect, the book is PACKED with Big Ideas. (Get a copy here.) And, as always, I’m excited to share some of my favorites and help you apply the wisdom to your life TODAY.
Let’s get to work!
P.S. Some other Notes on connection/relationship/communication books you might enjoy: The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, How to Know a Person by David Brooks, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and Love 2.0 by Barbara Fredrickson.
BIG IDEA
Three Kinds of Conversations
From the book
“To understand how supercommunicators do what they do, it’s useful to explore what happens inside our brain when we’re in a conversation.
Researchers have studied how our minds function during different sorts of discussions and have found that various neural networks and brain structures become active during different types of dialogue. Simplifying greatly, there are three kinds of conversations that dominate most discussions. These three conversations—which correspond to practical-decision making conversations, emotional conversations, and conversations about identity—are best captured by three questions: What’s This Really About?, How Do We Feel?, and Who Are We? Each of these conversations, as we will see, draws on a different type of mindset and mental processing. When we have a conversation about, say, a choice—a What’s This Really About? conversation—we’re activating different parts of our brains from when we discuss our feelings—the How Do We Feel? discussion—and if our mind doesn’t align with the brains of our conversational partners, we’ll all feel like we didn’t fully understand one another.”
Brian's Notes
The book has four main sections.
In the first, we identify the three kinds of conversations. Then, in the following three sections, we explore how to best handle each type of conversation.
Here are The Three Conversations:
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What’s this really about?
-
How do we feel?
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Who are we?
What we need to know is that each of those types of conversations literally activates a different part of our brains and require a different mindset.
The “ What’s this really about?” conversation activates a DECISION-MAKING mindset.
The “ How do we feel?” conversation activates an EMOTIONAL mindset.
The “ Who are we?” conversation activates a SOCIAL mindset.
Each of those types of conversations/mindsets can be described in another way, which I find to be the most simple and helpful.
Charles tells us: “Some schools have trained teachers to ask students questions designed to elicit their goals, because it helps everyone communicate what they want and need. When a student comes to a teacher upset, for instance, the teacher might ask: ‘Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?’ Different needs require different types of communication, and those different kinds of interaction—helping, hugging, hearing—each correspond to a different type of conversation.”
I find THAT distinction REALLY (!) helpful.
When we’re in a conversation, we can literally ask the person with whom we’re connecting: “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”
If they want to be Helped, that’s a practical What’s This Really About? conversation.
If they want to be Hugged, that’s an emotional How Do We Feel? conversation.
If they want to be Heard, that’s a more social Who Are We? conversation.
That’s a quick look at The Three Conversations. Now let’s take a quick look at how to make our next version of those conversations great!
BIG IDEA
The Four Rules
From the book
“Happily married couples, successful negotiators, persuasive politicians, influential executives, and other kinds of supercommunicators tend to have a few behaviors in common.
They are as interested in figuring out what kind of conversation everyone wants as the topics they hope to discuss. They ask more questions about others’ feelings and backgrounds. They talk about their own goals and emotions, and are quick to discuss their vulnerabilities, experiences, and the various identities they possess—and to ask others about their emotions and experiences. They inquire how others see the world, prove they are listening, and share their own perspectives in return. In other words, during the most meaningful conversations, the best communicators focus on four basic rules that create a learning conversation: Rule One: Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring. Rule Two: Share your goals, and ask what others are seeking. Rule Three: Ask about others’ feelings, and share your own. Rule Four: Explore if identities are important to this discussion. Each of these rules will be explored in a series of guides throughout this book.”
Brian's Notes
That’s from a chapter called “The Four Rules for a Meaningful Conversation.”
Let’s quickly recap Charles’ four rules then we’ll talk about Jefferson Fisher’s THREE rules from his great book The Next Conversation.
Rule. As per our chat in the last Idea, Charles tells us that we first need to reflect on the type of conversation we’re having—is it a practical conversation, an emotional conversation, or a social conversation?
In other words (and most practically helpful for me!), does the individual with whom you’re connecting want to be HELPED, HUGGED, or HEARD?
Rule. Share YOUR goals for the chat and ask the other individual what THEY are looking to get out of the conversation.
Rule. Check in on the other person’s emotional state and be willing to share your own.
Rule. Check in to see if the individual needs to express who they are and how they fit into the world.
Throughout the book, Charles walks us through how to apply those “rules.”
Now let’s talk about Jefferson Fisher’s THREE rules. Jefferson is a trial lawyer and full-time communication expert and his book is THE best book I’ve *ever* read on how to communicate effectively. (Check out those Notes if you haven’t yet!)
His three rules:
1. Say it with control.
2. Say it with confidence.
3. Say it to connect.
I repeat…
Rule: CONTROL YOURSELF. Aka, don’t lose control and go nuts.
Jefferson says that your first word should be a BREATH. He calls it a “conversational breath” and trains us on how to stay under control by regulating our breathing. (GENIUS.)
Charles echoes that wisdom when, right below that passage I quoted above, he tells us: “The most effective communicators pause before they speak and ask themselves: Why am I opening my mouth?”
Rule: BE CONFIDENT. Jefferson provides a GREAT way to think about this. He tells us what confidence *sounds* like. It sounds assertive —which is the virtuous mean right there between sounding submissive and sounding aggressive.
When you’re assertive you respect yourself AND the person with whom you’re connecting. When you’re submissive, you respect them but not yourself. When you’re aggressive you respect yourself but not them. Be ASSERTIVE.
Rule: CONNECT. This one’s all about creating the time and space to be fully present and then getting to the point and expressing yourself clearly.
Another thing I thought about when I was typing out that passage about what “supercommunicators” do that makes them so super?
I was thinking about a great distinction from David Brooks’s great book How to Know a Person. He kicks that book off by talking about the difference between what he calls a “Diminisher” and an “Illuminator.”
He tells us: “In every crowd there are Diminishers and Illuminators. Diminishers make people feel small and unseen. They see other people as things to be used, not as persons to be befriended.
They stereotype and ignore. They are so involved with themselves that other people are just not on their radar screen. Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others. They know what to look for and how to ask the right questions at the right time. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up.
I’m sure you’ve experienced a version of this: You meet somebody who seems wholly interested in you, who gets you, who helps you name and see things in yourself that maybe you hadn’t even yet put into words, and you become a better version of yourself. A biographer of the novelist E. M. Forster wrote, ‘To speak to him was to be seduced by an inverse charisma, a sense of being listened to with such intensity that you had to be your most honest, sharpest, and best self.’ Imagine how good it would be to be that guy.”
Here’s to being superilluminators!
BIG IDEA
Looping for Understanding
From the book
“So if a listener wants to prove they’re listening, they need to demonstrate it after the speaker finishes talking.
If we want to show someone we’re paying attention, we need to prove, once that person has stopped speaking, that we have absorbed what they said. And the best way to do that is by repeating, in our own words, what we just heard them say—and then asking if we got it right. It’s a fairly simple technique—prove you are listening by asking the speaker questions, reflecting back what you just heard, and then seeking confirmation you understand—but studies show it is the single most effective technique for proving to someone that we want to hear them. It’s a formula sometimes called looping for understanding. The goal is not to repeat what someone has said verbatim, but rather to distill the other person’s thoughts in your own words, prove you are working hard to understand and see their perspective—and then repeat the process, again, and again, until everyone is satisfied. Using techniques like looping ‘at the beginning of a conversation forestalls conflict escalation at the end,’ one 2020 study found. People who engage in it are seen as ‘better teammates, advisors’ and ‘more desirable partners for future collaboration.’”
Brian's Notes
That’s from a chapter on “Connecting Amid Conflict.”
Want to know what research says is THE “single most effective technique for proving to someone that we want to hear them”?
Practice looping for understanding.
Charles tells us that when we’re in a conflict, we prove we are listening by looping for understanding. We ask questions, we summarize what we’ve heard. And we ask if we got it right. Then we repeat until everyone agrees that we understand.
And… I repeat…
When you’re in conflict… Don’t forget to BREATHE.:)
P.S. Later in the book, Charles tells us that “When talking online, remember to…
- Overemphasize politeness*. Numerous studies have shown that online tensions are lessened if at least one person is consistently polite….*
- Underemphasize sarcasm*….*
- Express more gratitude, deference, greetings, apologies, and hedges*….*
- Avoid criticism in public forums*….*
All of these, of course, are also useful tactics when we’re speaking face-to-face. Many of them are obvious, things we learned as kids. But online, they’re easy to forget because we’re typing fast, texting between meetings, hitting SEND or POST without rereading our words to see how they might land. Online, a bit more care and thought can yield outsized rewards.”
BIG IDEA
WOOP Your Tough Chats
From the book
“There are lessons here for tough conversations of all types, even beyond those related to our identities.
The first insight is that, as we’ve seen before, preparing for a conversation before it begins—thinking just a little bit more when we open our mouths—can have enormous impacts. Anticipating obstacles, planning for what to do when they arise, considering what you hope to say, thinking about what might be important to others: Before any challenging conversation, think for a few more moments about what you hope will happen, what might go wrong, and how you’ll react when it does. The second lesson is that just because we’re worried about a conversation, doesn’t mean we ought to avoid it. When we need to deliver disappointing news to a friend, complain to a boss, or discuss something unpleasant with our partner, it’s normal to feel a sense of hesitation. But we can reduce that tension by reminding ourselves why this conversation is important and diminish our anxieties by acknowledging, to ourselves and others, that these conversations may be awkward at first, but will get easier…. Most important, what benefits do we expect will emerge from this dialogue, and are they worth the risks?”
Brian's Notes
That’s from a chapter near the end of the book called “How Do We Make the Hardest Conversations Safer?”
Yes… If we want to be SUPERcommunicators, we need to master the art and science of having HARD conversations!
In my Notes on The Next Conversation, I talk about the power of using Gabriele Oettingen’s WOOP process before all our tough chats. We’ll chat about that in a moment.
First, Charles offers “ Some questions to ask yourself before a conversation begins*:*
- How do you hope things will unfold?
- How will this conversation start?
- What obstacles might emerge?
- When those obstacles appear, what is your plan to overcome them?
- Finally, what are the benefits of this dialogue?”
Know this: That’s ALMOST EXACTLY the WOOP process.
Gabriele Oettingen is one of the world’s leading authorities on the SCIENCE of making your ideal a reality. Check out our Notes on Rethinking Positive Thinking where she walks us through her decades of research on the new science of motivation.
Here’s what you need to know.
First, and most importantly, YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. Whether it’s a big goal in your life or a goal for the next conversation you’re having, you MUST start by clearly articulating WHAT YOU WANT.
She calls this your “ Wish.” Then you need to know *why* you want that—what are the benefits? She calls this the “ Outcome.” That’s the WO in our WOOP process.
Once we have our ideal clearly articulated, science says we need to “mentally contrast” that with the challenges we may face. We need to rub that ideal up against reality. We do that by identifying our potential “ Obstacles.” Then, very importantly, we need to figure out our “ Plan ” to deal with those likely obstacles. That’s the OP in our WOOP process.
Put it all together, and you have a VERY solid (and very scientifically-proven way!) to help you get what you want in every area of your life.
I use the WOOP process for EVERYTHING. I highly recommend you do as well!
Wish: __________________
Outcome: __________________
Obstacle: __________________
Plan: __________________
WOOP, there it is!
BIG IDEA
The ULTIMATE Rule
From the book
“There is no single right way to connect with other people.
There are skills that make conversations easier and less awkward. There are tips that increase the odds you’ll understand your companions, and they’ll be more likely to hear what you are trying to say. The effectiveness of various conversational tactics waxes and wanes based on our surroundings, the types of discussion we’re having, the kind of relationships we hope to achieve. Sometimes we get there; sometimes we don’t. But what’s important is wanting to connect, wanting to understand someone, wanting to have a deep conversation, even when it is hard and scary, or when it would be so much easier to walk away. There are skills and insights that can help us satisfy that desire for connection, and they are worth learning, practicing, and committing to. Because whether we call it love, or friendship, or simply having a great conversation, achieving connection—authentic, meaningful connection—is the most important thing in life.”
Brian's Notes
Those are the very last words of the book. (I might have *started* with that last chapter.:)
Right before those concluding words, Charles walked us through a Harvard study that is (literally) the longest running study ever conducted. You know what they discovered?
They discovered that “‘The most important influence, by far, on a flourishing life is love.’ Not romantic love, but, rather, the kinds of deep connections we form with our families, friends, and coworkers, as well as neighbors and people from our community.”
George Vaillant is a psychiatrist and Harvard professor who, for 35 years, led Harvard’s 70+ year Study of Adult Development. We have a Note on the book he wrote in which he distilled the wisdom he gained from that work. It’s called Spiritual Evolution. He tells us: “Love is the shortest definition of spirituality I know.”
KNOW THIS: Love is also the Heroic Supercommunicator’s secret weapon.
Yes, techniques will always help us master the craft of communicating well. And… when in doubt, flip the switch and ask yourself: “How do I embody LOVE in this moment?” That will *always* bring you one step closer to being a Supercommunicator.
Here’s to remembering the ULTIMATE rule of communication as we strive to show up with LOVE all day, every day, especially TODAY.