Have you watched 'La La Land'? If not, beware of spoilers.
It's a modern classic. A Hollywood take on a French hit called 'The Umbrellas of Cherbourg'.
It's about two people with worldly aspirations falling in love. After a chance encounter, they spend a whole year together, going through all the phases of a beautiful relationship.
Towards the end, the relationship ends because she gets the opportunity to go to France to become an actor. He stays back to pursue his dream of owning a proper jazz club.
Fast forward to some time later. She returns home, with a husband and kid in tow. On a night out, she ends up at a jazz club, where she sees him play music. In the montage that follow, we see a beautiful timeline of their life and how it would've been if they had stayed together. As she leaves the club, they exchange one last look, where they both acknowledge each other for they love they share and the individual dreams they pursued.
I highlight it because this is a great example of loving someone without attachment. When two people fall in love, there's so much stuff that happens.
Most of the time, we give ourselves to the other person.
We fantasize a life with them, for the rest of our lives.
We project our own ideas, thoughts, dreams, life...onto them.
And most of the time, they subconsciously do the same to us.
I think that's why breakups are so hard.
It's not just the person we lose. It's our own dreams, aspirations, hopes, fantasies. It's a part of ourselves that go with them.
It's hard.
Sad.
Heartbreaking.
But, in reality, there's an expiration to everything, including our ownselves.
There's an expiration to a relationship, or to the form that it's currently in.
Can you love who you're with, in this moment?
Can you love them without attaching all of your life stories onto them?
If not, it's OK.
It takes a lot of practice to untether what we mean about ourselves through our partners.
Know though, that when you're able to love someone unconditionally, you're not doing it because it does something for you. You’re doing it because you’re opening love.
Unconditional love is freeing. Not suffocating.