Three Levels of Loving

Four years ago, in the wreckage of my first separation from my then-wife, I had a brutal realization—I didn’t know shit about love.

Sure, I knew what love was supposed to be. I understood the concept, even the ideal of unconditional love—loving without expectation. But when I looked back at my relationships, a different truth emerged. Love, for me, had always been about self-preservation.

How could I keep myself safe? How could I keep my love safe? Or worse—how could love keep me safe?

At my core, I wasn’t loving—I was surviving.

Hollywood, Disney, and every feel-good romance had sold me a lie. Love wasn’t a magic spell that, once cast, would last forever. It wasn’t a fix-all, and it sure as hell wasn’t something I could control.

This gut-punch realization sent me on a journey. I dove into tantra, embodiment, polarity, celibacy, conscious relating. I sought every teaching, every modality that could help me understand love beyond the fairytales. Today, I teach many of these concepts to the men and women I work with, but one framework, in particular, stands out.

I call it the Three Levels of Consciously Loving—or 3LL. And here’s the kicker: these levels map directly onto the three main parts of the brain, exposing how we’re biologically wired to respond in conflict and intimacy.

My goal? To give you a map to navigate love better. Love isn’t random. It’s not just a feeling. It’s a practice. Like math, like science, it has structure—but it’s also an art. And like any art, it’s something we can get better at.

As you read, you might recognize where you tend to operate from most often. You might even identify where your partner tends to live. That’s good. Awareness is the first step. But don’t get stuck on the map—this isn’t about perfection. Love isn’t a destination. It’s a practice, a way of being.

Let’s break it down.

Level 1: Preservation

This is primal. Instinctual. This is your reptilian brain talking—the oldest part of the brain, built for survival. Fight. Flight. Freeze.

In relationships, this looks like knee-jerk defensiveness when your partner calls you out. It looks like attacking when you feel threatened. It looks like stonewalling when things get too intense. The core question here is:

“What do I need to feel safe?”

At this level, we’re not seeing our partner—we’re seeing a threat. We react from fear, fighting for the survival of our hearts. This is love in self-defense mode.

Level 2: Compromise

Now, we’re evolving. This is the mammalian brain at work—the limbic system, the part of us wired for connection, belonging, and community. If Level 1 is a newborn crying for survival, Level 2 is a child learning to fit in.

In relationships, this looks like grounding yourself in conflict. It’s the ability to see your partner’s perspective, to hold empathy, to negotiate. It’s about the delicate dance of give and take. The key question here is:

“What do we need to stay in connection?”

Here, we’re not just surviving—we’re relating. We recognize the other person as human. We’re not at war. We’re at the table, working things out.

If a couple can spend 60% or more of their time in Level 2, they’re ahead of the game. This is the foundation. This is where trust is built. And without trust, there’s no love—only survival.

Level 3: Expansion

This is the highest form of love. The neocortex—the thinking brain, the part of us capable of vision, creativity, and profound depth. If Level 1 is the crying newborn, and Level 2 is the schoolchild learning to fit in, Level 3 is the master. The samurai. The poet. The warrior who, in the middle of battle, chooses to sit down and sip tea because his intuition tells him that’s the real move.

In relationships, this is where magic happens. It’s when you’re so present, so tuned in, that you forget yourself and fully meet the moment. It’s the place where you don’t just see your partner—you feel them, deeply. The key question here is:

“What would love do, and how does love want to move through me?”

This level is where love becomes art. It’s not about rules, strategy, or playing it safe. It’s about feeling what love demands in each moment and surrendering to it. Sometimes that means deep vulnerability—showing your grief and letting them hold you. Other times, it means grabbing them, bending them backward, and making them gasp. This is intuitive love—love beyond logic. And humor? It’s your best weapon here. Nothing cuts through tension like well-placed laughter.

At this level, we’re not just surviving. We’re not just compromising. We’re risking—in the name of love. And we let the pieces fall where they may.

Final Thoughts

One thing to remember: you can’t skip steps. You don’t jump from Level 1 to Level 3. You have to earn Level 3.

Our goal in love should be to live in Level 2 as much as possible—to build the trust, safety, and connection needed to touch Level 3. Think of it like strength training. You don’t deadlift 500 pounds on day one. You build. You condition. You get strong enough to lift what love asks of you.

This is the practice of conscious love. And like any practice, it’s never about reaching the finish line—it’s about showing up, again and again, and daring to love better than you did yesterday.

Wishing you an open hearted, bold path forward on this journey. What else are you going to do? Hold back your love?

If this resonates with you, I’m running a workshop on Zoom on February 27th that may be of interest to you. It’s a 2 hour deep dive on the three ways of relating. There will be some journaling prompts and embodiment exercises for you to understand your basic level of relating, and how you can level up to the next one. If this resonates, that workshop will be even more in-depth and powerful. Spots are limited, so I encourage you to take a look and sign up if you’re interested. Link here

I’m an intimacy coach, men’s work facilitator, and rite of passage guide. I love helping others tap into the deeper well of life, and love, that’s accessible to them. It’s what lights me up, and I’m good at it.

After reading this, if you notice a desire to level up in how you relate, I have a couple of spots for 1:1 mentorship available. I specialize in helping folks design a life that’s guided by their intuition and connection to Source. We use a few different modalities to get there, and usually find our way to the crux of what’s stopping someone from living their true potential through the pillars of shadow, intimacy, and purpose.

It’s deep work.

And if done with commitment, so rewarding.

You can support me by perusing my website and seeing if I may be able to help you.

Another way you can support me to continue publishing pieces like this is by subscribing to my Substack and sharing this work.

Thanks!

🍵 x 🐉