Personal Agency

I worked on my book for more than a year. It was a lifelong dream made real. I knew how I would start it and what I would write about.

But, I wasn't sure how it would end. This is where I was stuck for more than four months, hung up at the last chapter.

Of course, every ending is just the beginning of something else. But, without a clear demarcation, everyone is left ripe for disappointment. And so, without an end, I'd been struggling.

Up until the week before I finished it. The universe, in her own way, blessed me with an ending that Friday. On that day, I became a Canadian citizen. For the first time since 2002, I had a place that I could officially call home.

A search that began at the age of 12 had finally ended with me turning 33. Two decades of hiding, trying to blend within my surroundings as to not cause any unprovoked attention, to not get profiled, to not get pushed out.

It was a life journey.

The hardest one that I'd endured.

I clashed culturally with my parents.

I couldn't drive, or earn a living, until I was 25.

I spent a week in immigration jail.

I was deported to Mexico, with the officers thinking I must be Mexican.

I lived off of two cans of black beans per week during my last year of college, with a side of rice if I had an extra few dollars.

I ran away from home a few times, and drowned once.

But, it wasn't all bad. I took what was given to me, and made a story, a legend out of it.

I learned, and pursued, my first plant medicine experience with one of my first paycheques.

By that point, I had spent three months total, in silent meditation retreats.

I worked enough for an art camp for them to give me a ticket to attend Burning Man in 2018, fulfilling one of my dreams.

I was part of the US Army for two years, testing my lifestyle against that of the military.

I learned to dive from the sky, and into the water, even though I can't swim.

I came face to face with a black bear in the Canadian Rockies, and survived.

I discovered some of the most powerful teachers and healers, and expressed my desire to be mentored by them, with the fear of rejection constantly telling me not to.

I wrote the most heartfelt letter to my father that he's ever received from anyone, and that I've ever written to anyone.

I gave up different iterations of my life, changing countries, relationships, lifestyles in the process.

While most of my friends at the time seemed content with a life that resembled some sort of safety, I learned to push my edge at any and every point when life became slightly comfortable.

I've learned more from my struggles than my comforts.

And, that's what this letter is about.

It's up to YOU to create your life.

To direct it.

To make it into your legend.

And you do that by following the calling of your heart, no matter how different from societal conditioning it is.

You can't fake confidence.

You can’t fake leadership.

You can't read about it in a book or hire someone to teach it to you.

It emerges naturally by taking life head-on and upsetting the rules.

By doing things people said can't be done.

By proving to yourself that you can defy the odds.

By facing a battle you are sure to lose and emerging victorious.

There is no other way to build confidence and craft your legend except to be marred with blood on the battlefield of life.

And it will be hard.

Most of us struggle with life nowadays because we get pulled away very easily.

Every single thing is fighting for our attention.

From all the girls that are waiting for you to swipe on Tinder (most of whom you'll never talk to) to all the societal injustices that are happening all over Facebook (that you'll never do anything about besides a few conciliatory tweets and memes).

None of these things will alter your life in a positive way.

Hell, it won't even move the needle a single bit towards what you ultimately want.

Contentment.

A sense of pride and accomplishment.

A feeling of having lived a worthwhile life.

Your life of quiet desperation is a product of living out of alignment with your truth.

You can't suppress it forever.

You can't stuff down what your soul is screaming for you to do and expect to feel in integrity.

So, start now.

If you’re curious about this book that I wrote about above, you can find it here.

If you’re someone who’s feeling the pull of living life on your own terms, a dash wilder and freer, but not sure where to start, I have a few 1:1 deep dive spots available. I specialize in helping folks design a life that’s guided by their intuition and connection to Source. We use a few different modalities to get there, and usually find our way to the crux of what’s stopping someone from living their true potential through the pillars of shadow, intimacy, and purpose.

It’s deep work.

And if done with commitment, so rewarding.

If you’re curious, you can read more about that here.

🍵 x 🐉