Older Vs Elder
A few weeks back, I spent a week at an off grid primitive skills gathering. It was quite a profound time learning new skills that my ancestors knew but I don't at the base of epic mountains on one of the most gorgeous, clearest lakes in BC. I spent most of time with elders, supporting my lover who was running a pop-up cafe, and solo. In my time with the elders, I learned about what it means to be an elder. That's what inspired this post.
Getting older is inevitable. Becoming an elder is a choice.
I learned this a couple of weeks back at a primitive skills gathering, spending time with humans who'd made that conscious choice. They didn't just accumulate biological years, but had lived so fully that their very presence carried wisdom.
The difference was palpable. It showed in their bodies, their faces, the way they moved through the world. These weren't just older people. These were elders.
And in a generation starved for real elder wisdom, I found myself asking: what actually separates one from the other?
The Elder Distinction
Everyone becomes old. Not everyone gets to become an elder.
Elders don't optimize their way to wisdom. They choose presence over productivity. Being over doing.
But here's what struck me most: their lives weren't dramatically different from the older people around them. Same challenges, same losses, same human struggles. The difference was in how they'd chosen to hold it all.
The elders I met carried their wounds and pain - but now they tell stories about them. They've integrated their suffering into wisdom rather than letting it calcify into bitterness.
They see the cosmic joke in their lives. The gift wrapped in every difficulty. They've lived lives they feel comfortable telling stories about, not because those lives were perfect, but because they've found meaning in the imperfection.
Elders are not miserable. Elders are not broken down. Elders are not already dead while still being alive.
They've learned to choose love, over and over again. They choose hope. Not because it's easy, but because it's the only choice that leads to elder wisdom.
One elder, sharing stories around the fire, told me: "I've been disappointed more times than I can count. But disappointment is just the price of caring deeply. And I'd rather care deeply and get disappointed than protect myself and miss the whole experience."
That's elder thinking.
The Choice Points
Here's what I realized: you can be 70 and still not be an elder. You can be 35 and embody elder wisdom. It's not about your age , but about the choices you make every single day.
Every moment you choose presence over rushing, you're choosing to become an elder.
Every time you choose depth over speed, you're making the elder choice.
Every time you choose to see the gift in your pain rather than just the pain itself, you're walking the elder path.
The question isn't whether you'll get older. The question is: what are you choosing today?
Practical Elder Practices
So how do you actually make this choice? How do you start becoming an elder instead of just getting older?
1. The Story Practice
Start asking yourself: "If I were to tell the story of my life right now, would I be proud of how it sounds?"
Not proud because it's perfect, but proud because it's been lived fully. If the answer is no, what needs to change?
2. The Wound Integration Practice
Take one of your deepest wounds or disappointments. Instead of asking "Why did this happen to me?" ask "What did this teach me?" and "How has this made me more human?"
Elders carry their scars as wisdom, not as justification for bitterness.
3. The Presence Choice
Throughout your day, notice when you're rushing toward the next thing instead of being present to this thing.
Pause. Breathe. Choose presence. This simple choice, repeated thousands of times, is how you become an elder.
4. The Love Over Fear Practice
When faced with any decision, ask: "What would choosing love look like here?" Not naive love, but the fierce love that elders embody - love that includes boundaries, truth-telling, and sometimes difficult choices.
5. The Story-Telling Practice
Start sharing your experiences as stories rather than complaints. Notice the difference in how it feels in your body when you frame your life as a story worth telling versus a series of things that happened to you.
The Elder You Didn't Have
Here's the deeper truth: most of us are trying to become the elders we didn't have growing up. We're learning to embody the wisdom, presence, and integrated masculinity that was missing from our own development.
This isn't about reaching some distant future state. This is about choosing, right now, to embody elder energy in a world desperate for real wisdom.
Here's a question I ask myself: "How do I know if I'm becoming an elder or just getting older?"
My answer: Elders inspire rather than drain. They include rather than exclude. They've learned to hold both their power and their vulnerability without apologizing for either.
They've made peace with their humanity while still growing into their fullest expression.
Your Choice Point
You're at a choice point right now. Not someday when you're older, not when you've figured everything out, not when you've achieved more or healed more or become more.
Right now.
Will you choose to optimize your way through this moment, or be present to it?
Will you carry your wounds as stories of wisdom, or as justification for staying small?
Will you choose love, even when it's harder than choosing fear?
The elder path is available to you today. Not because you're old enough, but because you're conscious enough to choose it.
The question is: what are you choosing?
Ish
If this resonates and you're ready to walk the elder path more intentionally, I'm here to support that journey. Hit reply and tell me what elderhood means to you.