Love Codes

Happy Friday. I hope the sun is shining where you're at. It's definitely shining here, and it's been nice to see people out and about after another long winter.

As I'm reminiscing about this past winter, I'm thinking of my divorce being one of the bigger points. Yes, I was married for a few years with a woman who I loved deeply (and still do in a different context). That marriage showed us both many sides of ourselves, and as devastating the end was, I'm really grateful for all the lessons that came out of it.

So, on this sunny day, straight from the treehouse cafe I'm working out of, here are the 11 things I've learned through navigating marriage, divorce, and two years of intentional celibacy:

1. Love her as an equal, not an idol. Pedestals create distance. True intimacy happens between equals
2. Lead the repair. When conflict hits, be the first to reach across the divide. She needs to know you’ll fight for the connection, not just the argument
3. Own your projections. That list of things she does that irritate you? Write an equally honest list of your own patterns from her perspective. Humbling, isn’t it?
4. Ask directly. Skip the mind games. Ask for what you want. Ask her what she wants. Clear communication is an act of love
5. Find other forms of support. She’s your partner, not your therapist, entertainment committee, and social life rolled into one. Cultivate your own sources of support and stimulation. Find a men's group. Do things for yourself outside the relationship
6. Master the dance of polarity. Learn when to devour her with passion and when to caress her with tenderness. Both the shadow and light have their place in love
7. Live your purpose daily. Don’t make her responsible for fulfilling your life. Instead, come home to her energized from living your calling, ready to celebrate together
8. Choose play. Especially when things get heavy, find moments of spontaneity and laughter. (Look up Level 3 Relating - it’s a game-changer. And I've got a workshop recording on this)
9. Check in regularly. Resentment grows in silence. Create space for ongoing honest dialogue about your relationship. My current partner and I are trying to a bi-weekly check-in.
10. Commit fully. Or set her free. Half-hearted love serves no one. If she’s not the one, have the courage to end it cleanly. If she is, commit completely. Your freedom is in your commitment.
11. Love yourself first. This isn’t self-help fluff. You literally cannot give what you don’t have. The depth of love you can offer mirrors the depth of love you hold for yourself. The foundation of loving someone well is radical self-love. Everything else builds from there.

So, which of this resonates the most with you? What would you add to this list?

Ish

P.S. I've got a shadow work course. Relationships is a huge part of the course. And because the weather is so nice and I'm feeling good, it's on sale for 60% off the full price. But this only applies until Sunday, when the inevitable rain comes and discount goes away. So, hop in now!

🍵 x 🐉